when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
