So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
