i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon