our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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