We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
