no, he came in my armpit
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
