Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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