so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
