Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
