I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
