Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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