Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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