The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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