we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
