Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
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John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
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NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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