i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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