i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
