Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
