I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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