i love accidental penises.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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