Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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