so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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