Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
