can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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