I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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