I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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