I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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