You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
