Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
