I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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