dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
