I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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