I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
