just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
