and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
