Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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