Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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