Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
