he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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