He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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