Screwed.edu
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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