I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
