My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
