Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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