that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
