I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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