I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
