I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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