this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Girls should come with a carfax report
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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