I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
