I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
