He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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