shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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