god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
