two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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