Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
