she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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