I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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